Part 10: "Reckoning"

My life history since my early to mid thirties had been to go after any type of work within and as self-discovery, whether therapeutic in nature or pragmatic mind body endeavors. EST Training(twice), Rolfing, Alexander Technique, Feldenkrais, firewalk, LSD, opiated hash, marijuana. I lived within depression with roots of shame, a self annihilating self critic spawning from early childhood criticism leading to dissociation as an adult. Sexual addictions, imbibing in alcohol, although not necessarily requiring formal institutional type treatment, but a crucial need to realize a habit that was not healthy in terms of meeting stressful situations. My RCA years brought a good amount of cocaine use as well. There was money, and I spent portions of it on high quality coke and fine cognac. Self deprecation and the inner critic evolved to be such a debilitating nuisance that many years later there emerged a culminating point as suicidal ideation. After psychiatrically diagnosed clinical depression and upon returning from California in 2007, I finally entered into a steep, definitively essential therapy. Serendipitously, a reference emerging from a very well informed source, brought me to meeting with a practicing Buddhist and Diplomate of the C.G. Jung Institute in Zurich. I advanced in my therapy to three sessions per week and discovered a great deal that was buried very deep within my subconscious. Many childhood traumas were brought to light including experiences of severe anti-semitism being wrought upon me as a child. My sense of shame prohibited me from sharing this with my Mother and Father. Feelings of shame for being born into a jewish family enmeshed with my sense of responsibility to protect my family from this fowl venomous behavior of ignorance  wreaked havoc as confusion within me. The perpetrators were children of racists and anti-semites in our neighborhood. Sadly for society, their father was a Newark New Jersey police detective.